Dad Days of Summer-Installment 1

So there I was, on the Serengeti hunting lions, as was my fancy, when the call came. My wife had previously shown signs of being with child (an ache here, a craving there) but had hitherto denied anyone’s attempts to label her as such with several well timed “justs”. “I’m just cranky. Sometimes ankles just hurt. A smoothie is just a smoothie. My boobs just hurt from accidentally sleeping in my bra. I’m just stressed, that’s why my period is late.” So home from Africa I flew with a speed only reserved for commercial jets and kung fu artists. In part, to show my male sense of protection against any threat (the medical unprofessionals) and also to show my male sense of intuitive superiority (HA! I told you so!). But I was stunned to say the least. In hindsight I can distinguish all the good that will come into our lives as opposed to being worried over how to pay for all this.


Now, thoroughly excited about the baby, I can focus on what really matters: names. But even here I am thwarted. What’s wrong with naming a girl “tsunami?” I know, right? It’s awesome! But SOMEONE said “NO!” Look at all these other gems she made me throw away:

! (Pronounced by inhaling as though you were going to scream for joy)

Awesome! (Note the exclamation mark)

Baday Morales Forest (Bad A Mo Fo)

Comi Cole

DOOMSDAY DANGER (All caps)

Evan Jelly Cole

Fan Atty Cole

Gamma Ray (In the hopes they grow up to be a super hero)

Hysteri Cole

Ice Cole

Justice (Only if he/she is born blind)

Kantankerus (It’s better as they get older)

Lyra Cole

Musy Cole (This beat out Magy by a hair)

Nick Cole (After my sister Erika Nicole)

Ory Cole

Popsy Cole

Quizzi Cole

Ratty Cole

Sinny Cole

Tyran E. Cole (Way better than Tessa)

Ulysses Nathan Cole (U.N. Cole)

Verty Cole

Whimsy Cole

Xavier (No last name. Just Xavier.)

Yvonniqua Shaquayquayneisha

ZZZ

But the baby isn’t the only one with new names. Melissa has a whole slew of nick names to answer to now: Pregasaurus Rex (for the grumpy days), Pregasus (for the happy days), Preggo Waffles, MOM NOM (for meal time), and my favorite (for all her cravings) Cereal Killer.

All in all, I think my work is cut out for me. But I just need to think of the joy of being a dad and wait for that blessed day…and get her a drink…and rub her feet… and find her a pillow… and get a movie…and tell her I love her…and give her space…and hope it all turns out ok…